5/5/13 #3: Michael Phelps Does Something Crazier than Doing Drugs in Beijing

You could say that Michael Phelps was productive in Beijing. He won eight gold medals, but that wasn't even his true triumph. Believe what you will, but this Rosetta Stone commercial says that Michael Phelps learned Chinese, and we all know that commercials and famous athletes never lie.

There are a few things wrong with this commercial. Let's start with something that should be obvious. Chinese isn't actually a language. Asian isn't a language, and neither is Mexican. We don't speak American, although some of us can't speak English. If Rosetta Stone actually taught you the thousands of dialects that make up Chinese, you'd be too horribly depressed to talk. Rosetta Stone fails to establish ethos here. It also fails to establish credibility in naming its product after a rock that isn't a diamond, with a reference that only well-educated people (who know Chinese isn't a language) would understand.

The commercial also uses weasel words like fastest, fast, and quicker. We know that this helps us learn Chinese fast. We can learn Chinese quicker, and this is the fastest way to do it. However, the commercial never gives us a specific number of hours, days, weeks, months, or years. Anyone who speaks a Chinese dialect would probably tell you that it takes years to learn, especially if you're training for the Olympics. The commercial never even proves to us that Michael Phelps can speak what they call Chinese.

So what's really appealing about commercial? What need does it satisfy? Need to achieve is an obvious choice. Michael Phelps is the poster-child of achievement. He was able to smoke weed and win eight gold medals, in a place that has practically the worst air quality in the world. That's the mark of a true champion. What's more, you can learn to speak Chinese fast! That's hard to do, but with Rosetta Stone you can achieve. All you'd need to then is win 22 Olympic Medals (18 of them gold) and make a mistake that many teenagers make. Then you'd be just like Michael Phelps!

I have actually considered using Rosetta Stone to learn Spanish, but this commercial has not convinced me to use it to learn Chinese. I love Michael Phelps as much as Ryan Lochte hates him, but I think I'll pass.